Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bipolar in his eyes

Yes, yes… you have heard me talk about Bipolar and how it has affected me.  Our society often talks about bipolar and how it affects the person who has it and tends not to think about the spouse or family member who takes care of someone with bipolar.  I often wonder, what does my husband think of my illness?

Letter from Todd:
I have been with my wife over 20 years now. We have three children. Our relationship has had some hurdles but we have a bond that keeps us going. My wife is a beautiful person who has lots of life and that is what attracted me to her when we first met. Soon after we were married her behavior was like Dr. Jeykll Mr. Hyde.  I couldn't help but notice she had days that she would rage and then crash, crying hysterically. She blamed her dysfunction childhood for the rages she couldn't control.  She lashed out on me and I felt as if I was walking on eggshells, that I could not do anything right.  It was like living with a monster.

After we had baby #2 she got a lot worse. She blamed me for everything and no matter what I did to I still got the same responses.  I try not feeling like I am the person causing all this as I am her target 99% of the time. I go to work and drive 45 minutes to get home and wonder who I am going to face tonight.  It isn’t always like this there are days that remind me of who I loved but when the dark side pops up and she say’s such hurtful things, I wonder why I haven’t walked away from her. 

It was around this time that my wife sought counseling. I could see her working through her childhood issues and trying to become a better person.  She was trying to control her rage, but wasn't always successful.

After baby #3 the depression was at an all time low. She was having panic-attacks and slept all the time.  Once our son found her in the bathroom in the fetal position, crying uncontrollably. As time has gone on I began seeing less of the beautiful woman I know and more of a demanding , hurtful person who had days of depression with strong guilt and talks of suicide.  I do love her but the verbal abuse and roller-coaster emotions were taking its toll on me and I was wearing out, loosing myself, thought soon there would be nothing left.

She sought help of a psychiatrist, was diagnosed with bi-polar and began medication.  For 15 years my wife has tried many, many different medications and combinations (all under the doctors supervision).  Nothing really seemed to work well.  Last year she began seeing a new doctor that she really likes and he put her on a new medication. Since then the mania has subsided and the depression has been manageable.  She still has her ups and downs though and I wonder if it will ever end.  

My wife is beautiful, my wife is strong. She refuses to let this illness get the better of her. Our marriage is a team effort.  It isn't an easy road, but what relationship is?  Life is a journey and I will be holding her hand along the way.

How did I get so lucky?  He is my prince.  You can read more about my bipolar story HERE.

4 pretty purplexing comments:

  1. Wonderful letter. Psychiatric illnesses are the worst type for understanding from others. Wishing you and family better days.

  2. I love it... he's so right... there is no journey, road, relationship that doesn't come with its own set of issues. Love all the honesty from you & your family!

  3. Oh, it's a sad and cruel disease and I'm thankful that you found help! What a sweet husband! Love his letter!

  4. Oh what a wonderful man your husband is. And you are too. I know it can't be easy for either of you.


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