Monday, May 27, 2013

Bipolar is Scary

Before I have a Bipolar 'episode' I withdrawal from family and friends.

Before I have a Bipolar 'episode' I am hateful and spiteful.

Before I have a Bipolar 'episode' I want to cry all the time.

During an 'episode' comes anger RAGE I cannot control
(please don't be angry with me)

During an 'episode' comes sadness DEPRESSION that is so overwhelming 
(even suicide is in the back of my mind)
Call Suicide Prevention Life Line
Bipolar takes over my mind and 
I have wicked, unreasonable thoughts.

When I have an 'episode' I hate myself.

When I have an 'episode' I have panic attacks.

When I have an 'episode' I am crying out for help.

During an 'episode' my husband doesn't know how to help me.
(which makes me sad I put him in that position).

During an 'episode' my husband thinks I do not love him.
(which is so far from the truth).

After I have an 'episode' I feel guilty and worthless.

After I have an 'episode' I feel empty.

Bipolar scares me.  

I know I am more than my mental illness but it is also a part of who I am.

I am not my illness. 

I am worthy of love and friendship.

I need to take everyday as it comes.

Life in my head is hard.

I can overcome Bipolar!


8 pretty purplexing comments:

  1. You are so worthy of love and friendship. You did not choose this path but through this post you may just help someone else. You are beautiful and strong. You are not your mental illness, you are Tami and we love you!! Xoxo

  2. I used to be a facilitator for DBSA here in my community at the local hospital. I understand all to well what you are saying and feeling here.


  4. I am so sorry you're going through this.. Someone I love with all my heart has BPD. It's hard to separate the behavior from the person but you have to. xoxo

  5. My husband describes my personality as Dr. Jekyll Mr Hyde. I think he would agree with you.

  6. Thank you Kim. I don't want to use BP as a crutch, but at the same time I need to realize that some of my behavior is caused by it.

  7. oh dear friend. you are more than this terrible illness!! and I know firsthand because we have a family member who is in a very bad way due to it right now. he cannot even been in our lives because he just doesn't have a handle on it right now and can be dangerous. But, but, but.... we Love him still. We just have to practice tough love with him sometimes is all. But one thing we have learned, however we try to help or encourage and sometimes even instruct: it always has to come from a place of love.
    And there's a big difference between being worthless....and unworthy. There are times we may not feel worthy of the friendship, support and love that if offered to us: but we are never ever worthless. not ever.
    Lots of love and hugs and prayers for brighter days my friend! xx <3

  8. I love that you shared this. So often people don't and hide behind it, but... I have my fingers crossed that someone else will see this and be moved by it, too. And that it was freeing for you to write, as well.


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