Tuesday, October 20, 2015

How have you changed in the last year?

This time last year I was mourning the loss of my mother.
My favorite photo of my Mom is on her wedding day.
I still find myself thinking of things I'd like to ask or tell my Mom.  It could be anything simple as a curiosity over my childhood or sharing a part of my day. Then it hits me hard. I can never ask her questions again. My mom was the one who had knowledge of my upbringing, family traditions, the names of all those faces in old photos.  With her passing, all this is lost.   I started scrapbooking my children's lives many years ago and have completed a lot of albums.  But life got in the way and I have not scrapbooked in about 10 years.  The need to begin scrapbooking has become strong.  I want my children to know about their childhood, I want them to have the memories, I want them to look back on their lives with fondness.  I want all this because there will be a day I won't be there to answer their questions.
My cousin along with my Mom and my boys.
During Holidays and birthdays I have a part of me that grieves for what will never be.  My Mom won't be there when my boys graduate college, get married or have their own children.  My boys will no longer have their grandmother to share their lives with.
My grandparents and my Mom.
  Over this last year I have struggled with unresolved issues I had with my Mom.  We had many bumps in the road and they were not smoothed out by the end.  Losing my Mom suddenly has left unreconciled sense of unfinished business.  There are days I think I am moving on and have a sense of forgiveness.  Then there are other days resentment lingers.
At the one year anniversary of her death my thoughts of her were strong.  I wanted to do something special, so I took her favorite flowers and placed them on her grave.  This gesture has helped me have a small bit of closure and the beginning of peace.
My feelings for my Mom have changed over the last year.  
Slowly the struggles and differences we had are being replaced by good memories and love.

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